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Toxicity (Part 1): When Your Friends And Family Hate Your Girlfriend
When you meet someone new and you are excited to get to know more about them, to learn what it is you can love about them and what it is they can love about you, you are often blind to the reactions of friends and family. Once the initial sheen wears off, however, what happens when you start to get the sneaking suspicion that you are the only one who is enamored with your new mate’s charms? If your friend and family don’t like your girlfriend, are you brave enough to find out why and take their opinions into account? Should you have to?
The Clues One sign that there is some love lost between your circle and your girl is if your friends or family try to organize events that tend to exclude your girlfriend. This could be activities that she is not interested in or able to participate in, or it may be a matter of them just not asking you to invite her, or planning things when they know she is busy. Of course, this might not be anything against her, it may just be a product of them wanting to recoup some of the alone time they used to have with you. Keep this one in mind when you are looking for other signs. Another sign that she is not very popular is that, at social or family events, you notice that people avoid speaking to her or hanging out with her. She might notice this before you do, as you will be blinded by her obvious (to you, anyway) charms a lot longer than she will be. She will probably feel the chilly reception before you do. She might even bring it up with you. Another sign that she is not a favorite among your friends is if she gets in frequent disagreements with them. It might be them baiting her, or she might just be a lot more miserable to others than she is to you. People who are in love rarely see the negatives in their mates’ behaviour toward other people. Of course, your first reaction is to defend her (which is natural), but make sure you are taking the right side. If you find that you are mediating between your girlfriend and several friends and family members, then you might need to take an honest look at how she is treating others.
What’s Behind The Friction? Once you have noticed some friction, the only way to find out where it is coming from, unfortunately, is to ask. This is dicey because many of them might find it difficult to be honest with you. They will be afraid that if they reject your girlfriend, then you are going to hold it against them and spend even less time with them. You need to let them know that you value their opinion, that you won’t get defensive, and that you won’t judge them for their opinions. This is the only way to find out if it is really her they have a problem with, or if it is jealousy or misdirected anger with you. Resist the temptation to ask on your girlfriend’s behalf, even if she is the one pressing you to find out where the disdain is coming from. This will just be one more thing for them to hold against her. Approach it very gently. If it is a group of people who don’t like her, they may be more honest if they have each other to back them up, so you can decide if you can handle asking them in small groups. You may feel attacked or outnumbered, but the chances are likely that they will be more honest. Be sure that you ask them if the fault is yours, if maybe it isn’t that they dislike her, but that they have a problem with you when you’re around her or they feel like you’ve changed because of her. This might not even have occurred to them. And if this is the case, then it is much easier to remedy than finding out that they think your girlfriend is a miserable jerk. Or maybe it isn’t. If they are upset that you are spending time with her and it is taking away from your time with them, then they are going to have to suck it up to some extent. She is a part of your life, and you should stress that that she cannot replace friends and family, but you’d like it if she could find a place within your circle. If it really is certain parts of her girlfriend’s personality that they dislike, consider the validity of their concerns. Do they feel she is treating you poorly, controlling you, trying to change important aspects of who you are? Have they seen a different side of her that you haven’t—perhaps a side who flirts with other dudes when you aren’t looking? A side who is disrespectful in some way to your friends or family members when you aren’t around? If they have concerns that are based in your best interest—rather than concerns that are masking jealousy or resentment that really have little to do with her as a person—then you should consider them. Your friends and family care for you deeply and want to see you happy. If you are with someone who makes you happy, and they are not pleased to see it, then you should find out why. Their opinions can be good warning flags for behaviours that you haven’t noticed due to the rose-coloured glasses shading your vision.
What Can You Do? If the problem is jealousy about time you are spending away from them, with her, then you are going to have to address that with her and ask her to meet you halfway. In the end, she, more than anyone, should want relations among her and your other loved ones to be happy ones, and she should be willing to help you out any way she can without compromising her own principles. A good measure of how well she generally gets along with people is to look at her own friendships and family relations. If her own friendships are strained or constantly embroiled in drama, or her family relations are broken, then you should consider why that is. Is she a difficult person? Doe she have problems making or keeping friends? If this is the case, maybe she just doesn’t have the social skills to charm or relate to your friends and family. And she may not recognize the importance of these separate relationships in your own life. If she doesn’t depend on her friends and family, then she might have a difficult time understanding why you even care, or why she has to make an effort. If this is the case, it is up to you to explain the importance of each of the people she doesn’t get along with to her. At the same time, explain how important she is to you, and the things you appreciate about her to those loved ones who aren’t feeling the love. In the end, the people who care about you will do their best to at least get along with your girlfriend, on the surface, if they care about you. You have the task of making sure everyone knows they are important to you. Remember that your friends and family should have your best interests in mind, and that there is a strong possibility that if it doesn’t work out with this girl, you are going to need them. So don’t take their feelings for granted just because you are feeling that love glow.
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